The lights are on (at last)

Has it really been a couple of weeks since I last wrote?

Depression has pursued me like a hungry stray dog the past week turning me into a bear with a sore head. Absolutely everything my husband did on Tuesday made me mad and everybody I came into contact with didn’t move fast enough. I hit the wine every evening despite telling myself it’s not doing me any good and I’ve absolutely no interest in being my usual house proud self. My husband has been amazing through it all, I’m sure I’d never have the same level of patience towards him that he displays each time I hit rock bottom. Still, depression keeps badgering me; why do you deserve to be loved, you useless, boring, miserable person? What makes you think you’re good enough? Is this the real you or are you more ‘you’ when you’re off the tablets? What happens when you come off the tablets for good? And then, what if you’ve got a psychiatric disorder and it’s not depression at all?

My sister emailed me information on an herbal remedy for depression yesterday called 5-Hydroxytryptophan or 5-HTP. Apparently it works on the same principle as Prozac, that is; 5-HTP naturally restores the level of Serotonin in the brain (Prozac increases levels) rather than disturbing the brain’s natural metabolic procedures like SSRI’s do. I’m really interested in trying these no side-effects (yey) herbal tablets since both Citalopram and Mirtazapine haven’t worked for me so far and having experienced the scary physical side effects of coming off 40mg/day of Citalopram, I don’t ever want to be there again. I know it’s the only way to take these antidepressants, but it seems contrary to the illness to put people through the trauma of trying a drug only to find that in some cases, you either tick most of the listed side-effects or they just don’t work. I also think it’s imperative that tablets be taken alongside some form of therapy, after all, depression is a symptom not a cause. Anyway, I’ve decided that since I’m coming off Mirtazapine now, I may as well have a go at these next. No side-effects, no side-effects woohoo........

I had a real ‘spiritual’ moment yesterday, which as anyone who knows me will recognise is very unusual. I try to put some time aside during the day to read (a new revelation) and it was during this time, while I was sitting in the garden reading a book about a woman travelling in Italy that I paused to look up out across the bay. The shimmering sea, the hazy light on the mountains, the distant rain clouds; everything was harmonious and connected. Immediately and rather romantically, I thought “I want to take up oil painting lessons” so I could attempt to capture the weather ‘moods’ of this place, this beautiful, rugged landscape. It was a moment of peace where nothing really mattered apart from what was actually happening, right there and then and all that was happening was simply the weather. Uh I think I’ll stop here.

Yesterday was my first good day in....a long time. I was inspired! I moved the lounge furniture around, cleaned, changed the pictures, put new photos up, ah my husband and I agreed it looks great (that made me feel good). The experience of being normal, whatever ‘normal’ is, feels so light, free, engaging! Man I hope it lasts.